Cover Up

I've found myself highly amused in recent weeks by an advert that claims to help men stop the onset of balding. We see a decent looking fella applying a squirt of some chemical foam shite to his bald spot and are supposed to believe that it will bring him back his precious hair and, subsequently, his confidence. Quite. Side effects may include an empty wallet.

If any of these cures worked, you'd think people with millions in the bank would never be bald. But no, Wayne Rooney is going to be sporting a pure cue ball look in no time, and even the chap third in line to the throne of England is forced to make himself look a complete div by using what hair he has left to cover the huge patches of chrome dome.

What is interesting is how we're suddenly being led to believe that having hair is all-important again. You'd think in the year 2011 we'd be over it, but there's money to be made from insecurity that even top sportsmen like Shane Warne suffer. Bobby Charlton may well have been endorsing one of those hair clinic places if they had been about in the 1960s, though I like to think the sight of him charging down the field with combover billowing all over the place was an iconic an image as the Beatles' mop-tops.

Let's face it, unless you're like my Uncle Dennis (80 years old and a thicker mop than I'll ever have) or can afford one of those bizarre hair transplant jobs, we're all one day going to have to go down the Yul Brynner route of hair styling. Then all that's waiting for us is to be chased around by Benny Hill while a saxophone plays in double time. The key is to know when to give it up and get the razor out.

We can once again look to the world of Science Fiction to set a precedent here. Patrick Stewart went bald young but when it came to portraying Captain Picard, he kept it natural. As a result, he looks sharp, in command and ready to kick arse personally if needed. William Shatner, however, has insisted on keeping some kind of wildlife on his head for the last 30 years or so.

Subsequently, Captain Kirk just looks silly in a wig and out of puff due to having to hold his stomach in between the words 'action' and 'cut'. From this compelling evidence, we can conclude that it's best to accept the ravages of aging and man up on the whole matter. After all, who is your mother most like to fancy: Stewart or Shatner?