Fast Forward Failure

There's been a fair bit of hoo-ha in the media in recent days about "the death of the High Street", what with big names like HMV, Jessops and Blockbusters trying to duck the financial vultures. The Internet is being blamed and all the pundits are offering their opinions.

To me, the main point is that a load of poor saps are going to be losing their jobs, and in this age, you know they are going to be down the creek without a boat, let alone a paddle. As someone whose job seems to under threat, they have my utmost sympathy.

On the other hand, the likes of HMV and Blockbusters themselves are suffering the same fates as the small independent stores they played a part in putting out of business back in the 1980s and 90s. An example would be the one in my hometown of Whitehaven - Flix was a video rental place that I imagine sprung up when technology got to the point where the masses could have their own VHS players and enjoy a whole new world of entertainment. Or it could have started up in the Betamax boom and quickly readjusted.

In any case, to a young lad, it was a treasure trove of stuff you wanted to watch. As I recall, you paid for overnight rentals - yet my mother always insisted my got something out on Saturday, as the place was closed on Sunday and it meant you got to keep it an extra day. As the lad next door was only a year older than me, we would combine forces to get stuff like Transformers: The Movie and watch in baffled silence. It's a film I found for 50p in Oxfam a few years ago, and it still failed to make too much sense, the likes of Orson Wells, Eric Idle and Leonard Nimoy offering their talents being no help at all.

An abiding childhood memory I have thanks to this shop is when my brother, who was in the Cub Scouts, was away on some camping weekend. My mother was chosen to go with, leaving the house to Pop and I. As he often worked weekends, this was a rare chance for us to spend time together. He took us down to the shop and we picked a video each - which were Rocky V (me) and Die Hard 2.

Though I would later come to look the Rocky franchise, my choice was dire. To compensate, my dad let me stay up late to watch Bruce Willis do his thing. I loved the swearing, the violence and the humour and my dad swore me to secrecy about me seeing it. Some 20 years later, I accidentally let slip about this night at a family event, and my mother still managed to kick off about it.

To their credit, whoever ran Flix tried to keep up with the changing times. They began renting out video games on a weekly basis, which was superb. Later, they began selling as well, and several of my favourite early gaming choices came from there: Mercenary, Transport Tycoon and Frontier: Elite 2 spring to mind, and anyone who knows games will recall how they had a bad habit of eating up the hours. My brother and I even had rare moments of bonding after we put our money together to buy Pizza Tycoon. It was a bizarre little game that even allowed you to design your own pizzas, as well as engaging with gangsters and breaking into the competition after hours to smash the place up.

Sadly, once Blockbusters moved into town, the game was up and before I knew it, Flix had become a Top Shop. Today, it's not surprising the same shops are on their arse - shopping online is way easier, especially since it has become possible to stream movies onto your TV or download your albums. Times move on, but I'd like to add that I always did rewind the videos we rented. Me ma made me.

Man's Crisis of Identity in the First Half of the 21st Century

And with that, another year passes, 2012 becoming another set of digits confined to the past as we continue our march through time, that ends only when we feel the icy finger of the Reaper on our shoulders as he prepares to guide us into the cold comfort of the endless void.

Yes, Manchester City winning the league really hurt.

On the plus side, we had the following...

Footballer of the Year
Bit worried on who I pick, as last year I chose Phil Jones - who subsequently spent 2012 either injured or struggling for form.

But I can't help but say Robin van Persie. If you'd asked me before last summer about him playing for United, I might have scoffed. Yet here he is, and scoring goals for fun and pulling the team out of the shite on a regular basis. He's got everything you want in a striker, and if we're to have any chance of winning anything this season, it rests in large part on him staying fit.

Album of the Year
I haven't bought any "new" album from 2012. Hearing the new big thing, the XX, on TV left me feeling baffled, unmoved and very old. So, this has to go to World Party's Arkology five CD set. Karl Wallinger has long been a master of the pop hook and after some years out due to illness, it's great to see him putting something out there. A mix of live numbers, unused songs and newbies, there was more than enough to keep you going for ages, and the presentation was ace too!

Game of the Year
Tough call, this. Both Max Payne 3 and Mass Effect 3 featured great storylines, superb graphics and acting to match, making for top experiences. The original Mass Effect finally coming out on Playstation 3 was also very welcome. Re-establishing my love affair with the Football Manager franchise has brought about many late nights looking at a glorified spreadsheet.

Though a fair few people have excused ME3 for its ending, I'm not one of them. This wasn't helped by when I finally got the "Extended Cut" ending download, it bloody crashed right before the end scenes. Bah!

With that in mind, my choice instead goes to X-COM: Enemy Unknown. Basic in idea, but superbly executed and creating enough tension to keep me nervous for hours on end. Not a game for everyone, but those of us around for the original UFO game in the 1990s will have lots to love.

Raging Knobrash of the Year
So many to choose from! Pretty much the entire government has shown themselves to be a bunch of uncaring, quasi-sociopathic tossers in recent history. It's a tragic state of affairs when that fuckwit Boris Johnson is seen gurning on the cover of GQ magazine.

Indeed, it was a narrow call between him and the winner. However, Michael Gove gets my nod on the basis that he's screwing over a generation of children for his own political gains. Appealing as a return to "traditional" Conservative values to the likes of the Daily Mail, about the only vaguely amusing thing about this complete penile sore is that there's a chance him and Johnson will squabble with each other about who gets to put the knife into David Cameron's back first in their own personal lust for glory. Here's hoping for a total meltdown of all related parties in 2013!

No Strings Attached

As seems to happen at the end of the year, a few notable folk have shuffled off their coils. Notably, Jack Klugman threw a seven only days after I'd written about him on this here blog. James Roday may want to feel nervous about now.

However, it was the death of Gerry Anderson that touched me most. Kids today may find it hard to believe, but even in the early 1980s, a TV show featuring a bunch of puppets could still bring a sense of awe from a youngster.

Thunderbirds is the one most people remember, and it was ace, as was Stingray. I did think Joe 90 was a load of tosh. But the best by some distance was always Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons. It was totally fantastic and even today, if by chance it happens to be on somewhere, I'll make an effort to see it.

For one thing, it had a heavy sci-fi element, which has always had a sway over me. To whit: at some point in the future, humanity has managed to jaunt over to Mars. Seeing alien buildings, the idiot astros panic and open fire, somewhat understandably pissing off the locals to the degree they declare war on Earth and take one of the hapless humans as their unwilling slave.

The trick the Martians (only ever seen as glowing rings of light and a deep voice) have mastered is being able to identically duplicate anything - but first, as the introduction states - they must DESTROY. Thus, they quickly knock off top SPECTRUM agent Captain Scarlet, recreate him as a slave and send him off to assassinate the World Prez. However, the plot is foiled and the Cap somehow regains his human consciousness, surprisingly being welcomed back into the fold by Colonel White as our main weapon in the war against the Mysterons - mainly because he has now become "virtually indestructible", an ability that would see him meet and brush off various grisly fates.

What we never got a sense of was how Scarlet felt about all this. After all, it seemed clear to me that he was nothing but a duplicate of somebody who has been killed - an idea later revived (ho ho) in Red Dwarf with the character of Rimmer. Yet never once did we get any sense of existential despair from knowing that his memories weren't actually his.

Perhaps it's reading too much into it. In any case, the show looked great and had some top storylines. A lot of these featuring around the man the Mysterons gang-pressed into their service: Captain Black. Always dressed in dark clothes, eyes that looked like he hadn't slept in weeks - if they ever make a film version of the series, then I would humbly suggest myself for the role.

I was born for the part!

On top of all this, it always had a superb theme tune. Check it out and sing along at home:

"They crash him, and his body may burn

They smash him, but they know he'll return -

TO LIVE AGAIN!"

We Are Detective, We Are Select

Or so said the Thompson Twins, in their slightly odd 80s hit. Liars all, for we now know they weren't detectives at all, but pop stars. The following is a list of people who weren't crime fighters either, because they don't exist. However, they do all feature in some top TV shows.

Ironside
Sure, you may be San Francisco's top cop, but a bullet in the spine is always going to put a crimp in your day. Despite his jogging days being over, Robert T. Ironside dons his wheelchair and carries on cracking down on crime, assisted by (alongside a top Quincy Jones theme tune) the slightly bumbling Ed, posh girl working with plod Eve and young neer-do-well trying to turn good Mark.

Initially running in the late 60s, Ironside had to deal with the changing times. One episode had the team visiting a house full of hippy layabouts, one of whom describes our hero as "fuzz on wheels". To his credit, the man doesn't call on a bunch of cops armed with bats to crack some skulls and keep all their stash to help with his pain management.

Some 20 years later, the cast all got back together for a dodgy TV movie made not long before Raymond Burr shuffled off his mortal coil. It wasn't very good.

Quincy
Your favourite coroner, however, had no time for the modern fashions. Infamously, Quince once put down "punk rock" as a cause of death in an episode worth watching just for cheap giggles. Seriously, see it sometime soon.

These people are punks, apparently. Well, except Quincy. Obviously

Despite not having a first name, Dr Quincy M.E. managed to balance his personal life of pissing about on a yacht with young ladies, his normal work duties of cutting up corpses and solving a neverending stream of murders on the streets of LA.

This was lucky for his cop friends, Monaghan and Brill, who were so inept they made Chief O'Hara from Batman look like Sherlock Holmes. Every week, they would dismiss the Doc's suspicions of foul play, only for the evidence to stack up. Luckily, Quincy's boss, Dr Aston, tolerated his extracurricular activities, despite the growing number of dead bodies stacking up down the morgue.

KITT
Can it, Hasselhoff! The car was the real star of Knight Rider, and my five-year-old self will hear no different. The guy in the stupidly tight jeans was only needed to go round up the bad guys when it involved going indoors.

For one thing, KITT (or the Knight Industries Two Thousand, if you weren't around in the 1980s) was probably the coolest looking car ever seen on TV. See?

Cool as fuck

Plus he had the best theme tune you could wish. Brilliant. And you could play Pac-Man with him. I mean, what more do you want? He solves crime, has a line in banter, and he can get you home from the pub when you're totally blasted.

Jethro Gibbs
Silver-haired fox Gibbs takes no shite from nobody: as a former Marine sniper, he's probably ventilated more heads then you've had hot dinners. Subsequently swapping the uniform to solve crimes in the US navy as part of NCIS, you can be assured that if you're a dead sailor, he'll get to the bottom of it. And pray to your god if you've been mean to a little kid, because you'll be in for a heavy duty smackdown.

Gibbs may well be on this list because I aspire to be like him - as my hair greys, he's proof that it's a look that can be pulled of and like me, he has a weakness to red haired women. All I need is a team including a wisecracking womaniser, an ex-Israeli assassin, a computer geek and a perky goth covered in tattoos and I'm away.

Shawn Spencer
Save the best till last. Star of the best show of the last 20 years (Psych), Shawn uses his outstanding skills of observation and deduction to doss a living from solving crime.

Why is he great? Well, he's an idle git who'd rather be lazing in bed, listening to Tears for Fears while waiting for the Royal Rumble to start. What's not to like? Luckily, in terms of his career, he has a supportive best friend, Gus, and an ex-cop dad able to help under, albeit under some duress.

Add 80s pop reference here

It's all brilliant, and I seem to find myself recommending it to everyone I meet. Sherlock? Get away with you! Psych is funnier, brilliant guest stars (Cary Elwes! Judd Nelson! Ally Sheedy!) and a better looking cast. I still don't get why he didn't chase after the character played by Rachel Leigh Cook, though.

Let Your Feet Do The Talking

Shoes: they're a vital part of life. Especially if you live in parts of the world where there is plenty around that you don't want your naked feet to step in.

This is doubly so at this time of year, if you live in Northern England - the right choice of footwear is all important to personal comfort. That wise old sage Joe Strummer once noted you should wear shoes made either for running, or fighting. Now, given I have the combat skills of an elderly Thora Hird, I've tended to stick with comfortable fitting sneakers, which also have the advantage of looking good.

At this time of year, however, they're just not good enough. Heavy rain creates puddles that are regularly not stopped in time to avoid a soaked sock situation, which as we all know, is always very unpleasant. Add to that the problem of an icy pavement ensuring a nasty (and embarrassing) fall is always around the corner unless you're properly equipped.

With that, we can turn to another example of German efficiency: the Doctor Marten boot. With a couple of them on your feet, you're set for anything the English weather can throw at you. I actually came to them fairly late on, only buying a pair when I was off to visit the Baltic in wintertime. But since then, they've proved to be a vital friend: four years on, they're still in top nick and you can stomp through ice and rain with no worry of getting your toes cold.

But if you want to hear the true beauty of a pair of these wonderful boots, I think Alexi Sayle does it best.

Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick. Or Gun.

So, you wait six years for a game and when you know it's finally coming, your expectation goes through the roof. Can it meet expectation? Obviously not.

Actually, that may be a little unfair on Hitman: Absolution. It was fun to play through, just not the kind of fun I wanted from it. Over the first decade of this millennium, the Hitman franchise had established itself on the Playstation 2-era as offering superb gaming, engaging us to examine situations as best we could to pull off the perfect hit. I can remember spending hours outside of gaming musing on an area, wondering how to get in and out unseen with the target eliminated.

With that in mind, my heart raced at the possibilities the next generation of console gaming would offer the makers. I envisioned puzzles so complex my head would explode at the thought of doing Agent 47 justice. Instead, we got a fairly good stealth thriller.

The story: Agent 47 is a genetically-warped freak who has made a nice living from being the world's top contract killer. At the start of the game, he's sent by the International Contract Agency (his constant employers) to knock off his former handler, Diane, as she's gone rogue. But in a series of somewhat tired plot clichés, he's subsequently entrusted with the task of protecting a teenage girl (ehhh...) in a stupid school uniform (oh, please) who is wanted by a psychotic redneck businessman and the pissed-off big cheese back at ICA. Thus, you can gather the rest.

The story actually bugs several times, as we get 47 making schoolboy mistakes you wouldn't expect of him that allow him to get out-thought by characters best described as fucking inbred idiots. Plus we have the worrying spectre of the characters known as "The Saints" - young women dressed in S&M nun outfits. It comes across as little but wank fantasy and offers the best part of fuck all to proceedings.

Let's be kind about the good things: this game looks amazing. The locations, the cut scenes - it matches the level set by games like Max Payne 3 and Deus Ex: Human Revolution in presentation levels. Plus the voice acting is a good level - Powers Booth and Keith Carradine are suitably hatstand as the bad guys and we can thank the Gaming Gods that they got David Bateson back in to voice 47, after initially deciding otherwise. The dude simply is the character, and his cold, emotionless tones hide the deeper anger the character feels but cannot express.

When the game gives us what we want, it excels. There are a handful of times we are given a wide area with a target and told to kill them. Naturally, we can wade in guns akimbo, but the challenge is to execute the perfect hit, which is how the game should be. But it feels a rare treat, as mostly we are given a room/area and essentially told to go from one side to the other, preferably with the most stealth as possible.

I've read reviews since I finished the game, and agree with the feeling that this strays far too much from what we expect of these games and into Splinter Cell land. It may look great, and even play well (there is a certain satisfaction from timing your runs to perfection to avoid a guard's movement) but it's not what we signed up for when we bought the game.

Despite all that, I hope they make another Hitman game and perhaps go back to the roots that made the series so compelling in the first place. We want the chance to use our imagination to knock off some poor piece of shite scum, then walk out as calm as you like. Not a quasi-stealth game with a Hollywood b-movie plot stuck to it.

Bald of Awesome, shame about the game

Not Managing to Keep Up

I've been far, far too lazy on the blogging front. I've got my excuses: right now, work is fucking me off to the point I have little inclination for typing away in my evenings. Plus, of course has seen the news that some royal has been succesfully impregnated means I will have to play the national anthem 20 times every night.

Alright, so I don't actually give a toss about some over-privileged tosspots expecting another freeloading parasite. The real reason I haven't wrote 'owt is that I bought Football Manager 2013. As any one who has dared enter this world knows, you don't escape easily. It's even pulled me away from Hitman: Absolution, of which more when I finally get round to finishing it.

As it is, I've an unbeaten run to protect. Whenever I re-enter the world of Football Manager, I always play a game as Manchester United to get my bearings before engaging on a proper challenge with a bunch of non-league no-hopers, like Workington. So far, I've managed to get close to Christmas with an impressive sequence of results, leaving the league table looking like this:

Have that one, Fergie! Sack off all those other pretenders - clearly I'm the man for the job when they drag your body out of Old Trafford.