Oddly Compelling

If you like action films, the 1980s was a great time. You could choose from those with a sci-fi slant (The Terminator, Robocop), heroic everymen (Die Hard) and murderous aliens out for cheap kicks (Predator). Something for everyone, in fact.

However, a select group decided to avoid issues such as “plot”, “character development” and “acting”. These peaks of filmmaking instead cut straight to the chase: musclebound male leads carrying guns that weigh more than me and offering pithy one-liners after they used them on unsuspecting mooks. The success and sequel of The Expendables shows there’s obviously a lot of love out there for these, so here’s some of my favourites of this top genre.

Commando (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
One time Special Forces bod John Matrix (curiously armed with an Austrian accent) has retired to a life in the countryside with his daughter, chopping wood and questioning Boy George’s gender – a role model of a single dad. All is ruined when one time teammate Bennett decides the only way to deal with his latent homosexuality is to take over a small Latin American country and so kidnaps the little girl to ensure Matrix helps out.

Obviously, our man isn't going to stand for that kind of cliché lying down and so goes on a philosophical journey of self-exploration involving slaughtering several hundred soldiers, some involving the clever use of garden tools. Legendary pay-off line “Let off some steam, Bennett!” somehow missed topping the “Top 100 Movie Quotes” poll.

Cobra (Sylvester Stallone)
Renegade cop Cobretti has managed to stay on the force despite dubious methods and a silly first name. But when a baffling plot device involving some cult ritually slaughtering people hits LA, he’s the man to protect the one living witness, played by Brigitte Nielsen in an inspired bit of casting.

Despite his top detective skills in working out the complex conspiracy, the chief isn't buying it and sends Cobra, his partner and the witness out into the hills to hide. Tagging along is a police woman who also happens to be in the cult, which is handy for all concerned, and moves things along so that it surprisingly leads to a big shoot-out at the end. Andrew Robinson (Scorpio from Dirty Harry) has a dignified cameo.

Raw Deal (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Kicked out of his CIA job and working as a small town Sheriff, Mark Kaminsky (curiously armed with an Austrian accent) is offered a way back by his old boss. Not pleased at the murder of his son by the Mob, the chief wants our Mark to go undercover to bring those SOBs down – but the catch is that he’ll have no back up if things go South, as the job is strictly "off the books".

With Hitchcock-esque building of tension, our boy ingrates himself with the baddies with top acting skills (his playing drunk is a talent to behold) before deciding the best option is to just kill them all. Highlight is a sequence in a gravel pit in which the hero drives around at speed, sniping goons out of the window with expert precision while Satisfaction by the Stones blares out of his tape deck.

The Punisher (Dolph Lundgren)
In the right hands (i.e. Garth Ennis), Frank Castle is one of the great comic book characters. Here, he’s reborn, in an unusual move, as a Swedish muscle machine. Which works on some level, somewhere, I guess, but where’s the skull shirt? Eh?

So, the Punisher is an ex-cop understandably gone troppo after his family cop for a mob hit put on his head. Rather than hope for the forces of law and order to sort it out, Frank decides the best solution for all is huge amounts of violence. However, a spanner is thrown in the works when the Japanese mafia roll into town and kidnap their Italian rivals’ children in a severe bit of negotiation. Our Frank has his arm twisted by the Head Don to ride to the rescue, and does so leaving a large pile of bodies. At the climax, with all the Japanese people out of the way, he executes the mob guy he’s been helping on front of his own son. Really! I mean, that’s not going to send him on a roaring rampage of revenge when he grows up, is it?

Red Heat (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Top Soviet cop Ivan Danko (curiously etc etc) is left miffed when his mark escapes to the capitalist West, killing his partner in the process. I’m assuming he’s miffed, as the acting doesn't really offer much of an insight beyond 'stoic'.

The bad guy is subsequently nicked in Chicago for littering or something, and Ivan is sent to pick him up. Thankfully, the hand over goes bell-end up and our Communist Chum has to team up with another stereotype (fat, chain-smoking wise-cracking Jim Belushi) to pick up the pieces via the use of bullets. At the end, Danko is so inspired by Regan’s America, he goes back to the USSR, destroy the regime and teams up with David Hasselhoff to tear down the Berlin Wall.