Someone, Somewhere in Summertime

Summertime heat really doesn't suit me, at least not when I'm stuck in a city. Most of the weekend past I've been a sticky mess, cursing the temperature and taking constant cold showers to try to retain a vague feeling of humanity.

On Saturday, I was round a friends house and we sat in her garden, drinking (vodka for her, beer for me) and a certain topic came up. See, speaking to my mother a few days previously, she had told me that my best friend from infant/junior school (ages of 5-11) was set to become a father and a husband in the next six months or so. It wasn't a surprise as such - I've seen him once in the last 14/15 years or so - but it did bring home how much it seems people of my generation (whatever that means) are moving on with their lives.

My friend and I, aged 30 and 29, are both basically single and childless. Neither of us have any intention of becoming a parent and we realised before long we might be the only ones left. Does that mean there's something wrong with us? Obviously the whole 'act' of creating life is fab and wonderful, but why does the idea of having a son/daughter to raise in the world fill me with intense horror? When I was, say, 14 or so and expressed these ideas, I was always given the stock answers "you'll change when you get older" or "when you meet someone, you'll feel different".

Well, I'm 29 now, the same age my parents were when I was born, and I've met someone (and even fallen in love) but my feelings never changed. I'm not sneering at people who do have families, I just wonder if there's something wrong (not the correct word, perhaps) with me on some level that I don't have the drive to bring life to the world.

Yesterday was mainly spent sponged on the sofa with little energy to move except to the local co-op to buy bottles of orange Lucozade. The most creative thought I had all day was musing on where to buy a decent electric fan. From somewhere in the haze, came a wish to be next to the sea: down by the Solway, Santa Monica or Pärnu, I couldn't help feeling that a nice sea breeze would have been perfect.