280281 (The Conclusion)

And we have arrived, at last, at the top 10 UK singles from the day I was born. Excited? Then you should get a life. In the meantime:

#10 - The Oldest Swinger In Town - Fred Wedlock
Another song that gains a first ever listen to these ears and one listen was far too many. Comedy records, for the most part, are complete and utter shit. This doesn't buck the trend.

The jist is some old codger going out to the clubs to pick up young lassies and getting up to all sorts of mischief. It's terrible beyond words and it smacks of the kind of novelty thrash that Simon Bates or Noel Edmonds probably played constantly in that stupid 'ironic' way they did to make it a baffling huge hit.

#9 - Southern Freeez - Freeez
Freeez would have a much bigger (and much better) hit a couple of years later with IOU, but this was their first shot at the top.

Taking cues from the kind of commercial pop-jazz that George Benson had made big bucks from, it's easy to make the jump to assume this was the soundtrack to wanky cocktail parties in the London jet set. Vaguely funky bass and percussion fight it out with synths and smooth vocals singing meaningless lyrics. It's never made quite clear what "doing the Southern Freeez" is, exactly. Harmless enough, I suppose.

#8 - (Do The) Huckleback - Coast to Coast
As I'd never heard this before, I was chancing my arm it was some kind of floor-filler 80s funk number of the ilk of the Gap Band further down the charts.

How wrong I was. Instead, it's a kind of insight into a nightmare world where Showaddywaddy were as influential as punk. Honking Bill Haley-style sax careers all over the place as we're urged to dance whatever style the band doubtless demonstrated if they got to perform this on Top of the Pops.

I'd imagine this ties in with the Stray Cats in people getting retro, though this is a far more innocent offering - I doubt the Huckleback involves doing anything vaguely sexual and would be perfect to the kids to shuffle around to whilst on holiday at Butlins in Ayr or Pontins at Southport (shudders at childhood memories).

#7 - The Return of the Los Palmas Seven - Madness
First, I'll come right out and say that the only CD I had when I got my first stereo was Divine Madness, so therefore this band will always have a soft spot in my heart. And indeed, many of the songs still stand up very well today.

This, however, isn't one of their classics. For one, it's missing the lyrical wit and observation that, say, House of Fun or Baggy Trousers has, or even the irresistible dance beat of their other big kind-of-instrumental hit, One Step Beyond. What can be said is that it's the sound of a band stretching their wings from their roots, and Madness were lucky that their audience followed while others haven't been so. This was their seventh single, and it peaked at this very position. Funny, that.

#6 - Jealous Guy - Roxy Music
Labelled "A Tribute" on the single sleeve, this was on it's way to being Roxy's sole chart topping single. Might have been nicer if had been Street Life or All I Want Is You, but those are the breaks.

My main feeling of Roxy is that my mother was a huge fan, based on having a crush of Bryan Ferry as a young lady. This caused a bit of a row over dinner one Sunday when she insisted to my Elvis-loving dad and brother that she always preferred Washington's finest to the fat warbler. Naturally, I took her side.

As "A Tribute" goes, it's harmless enough. Ferry's croon suits the self pity of the lyrics, and yet the main feeling is that Lennon's original, recorded about a decade beforehand, has aged far, far better.

#5 - St Valentine's Day Massacre - Motörhead/Girlschool
Around this time, Motörhead were at the top of their game, still riding high on the Ace of Spades single and album. Teaming up with all-girl heavy rock band Girlschool must have seemed a good idea, and so it proved with another big hit.

The lead track is a cover of an old Johnny Kidd song, Please Don't Touch, and it's what you'd expect: 100mph thrash with Lemmy growling along with his female counterpart. It's not my cup of tea by a long way (perhaps due to a total lack of amphetamine in my system) but it's quite fun in it's own way. Interesting to note that Motörhead's drummer at the time, "Philthy Animal" Taylor was on a rest at the time, due to a pub-related mishap involved lifting an Irishman as high as he could.

#4 - Woman - John Lennon
Exhibit (a) in the case that McCartney wasn't the soppy one in the Beatles is this piece of candy floss fluff inspired by John's other half.

This was on it's way down from being a chart topper, but you have to wonder how it would have done had Mark Chapman elected to use that gun just on himself. As slush goes, this is right at the top of the cup, as our man apologises again as he never "meant to cause you sorrow or pain". It's pretty much covering the same ground as Jealous Guy, but without a Phil Spector production around it.

Not that the song is hateable, it's just a bit anonymous. I once heard it playing in a supermarket in Estonia, and that kind of seems it's natural habitat.

#3 - I Surrender - Rainbow
Another ex-member of Deep Purple (see Gillian way back down the chart), only guitarist Richie Blackmore scores the huge hit, which I wouldn't be surprised if he reminded his singer about on those DP reunion tours.

This is the kind of thing for which the term "AOR" was invented for. I'm convinced that whoever wrote it is still cashing in large royalty cheques from the amount of radio play this surely gets. It's all built around hooks, and the lyrics must have taken all of about five minutes to knock together. But yeah, pretty cack, really.

#2 - Vienna - Ultravox
I've never quite known what to make of this song, as I have the vague suspicion it's not actually about anything, despite the pretenses it carries with that grandiose arrangement.

Ultravox were pioneers of the whole synth sound back in the late 70s, before Gary Numan stole all their thunder. This may well have been a last desperate throw of the dice at the time, helped by dashes of yer-actual piano showing that they actually play to refute those rumours about the new wave of synth-poppers being all style and no substance.

Which this song may well be. It sounds pretty, but it's also overblown to fuck and part of me always want to laugh at the chorus line of "This means nothing to me, oh, Vienna!" just for it's sheer pomp.

#1 - Shaddup Your Face - Joe Dolce Music Theatre
And after all that, we come to this. Is it a big a disappointment to you as it was to me? The day I was dragged out into this world, the most popular song around was by some wretched one-hit wonder putting on the dodgiest of dodgy Italian accents.

I could write more about this... but it's just crap, pure and simple. The joke doesn't have a chance to wear thin, because it's not funny in the first place. What were people thinking? I demand answers for this travesty!